


welcome to the jungle

by Anonymous



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/F, M/M, Polyamory, Skipping Class, Texting, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, groupchat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-01 19:25:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16290320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: theinsanelycool: remember when this chat was just the two of us?evanhansen: that was this morning, jartheinsanelycool: yeah well this morning people actually listened to me





	1. one

 

welcome to the jungle

 

theinsanelycool: evan where tf are you

 

evanhansen: sorry i couldn’t take the bus today my mom wanted me to go get something from the store

 

theinsanelycool: nah man its cool im just chillin at the bus stop like a loser

 

evanhansen: oh god im sorry

 

theinsanelycool: its fine people already think im a loner dont worry

 

evanhansen: well i mean you kinda are a loner

 

theinsanelycool: wow thanks evan

 

evanhansen: name three friend besides me

 

theinsanelycool: easyyy

 

theinsanelycool: one) alana

 

theinsanelycool: two) zoe

 

theinsanelycool: three) connor (on a good day)

 

evanhansen: ‘on a good day’

 

evanhansen: anyway i gotsta go

 

theinsanelycool: wait n o

 

theinsanelycool: im listening to buzzfeed unsolved and its kinda dark this morning

 

evanhansen: fine but im talking to connor so he might think im an asshole

 

theinsanelycool: he’s in love with you so the only thing he’ll be thinking about is your asshole

 

evanhansen: jared!!!!!!!!!

 

theinsanelycool: yo add connor to this chat so you can talk to me & him @ the same time

 

evanhansen: ok

 

evanhansen has added probablystoned to welcome to the jungle

 

probablystoned: okay first of all who tf named this chat

 

probablystoned: second of all hi

 

theinsanelycool: i think you mean high**

 

probablystoned: oh jared’s here

 

theinsanelycool: today is not a good day evan

 

theinsanelycool: he’s not my friend today

 

evanhansen: con be jar’s friend pls

 

probablystoned: okay but only because you asked

 

theinsanelycool: gayyyyyy

 

probablystoned: screw this i need backup

 

probablystoned has added gowiththezo to welcome to the jungle

 

gowiththezo: just fyi every chat that im in lana has to be in too

 

gowiththezo has added alanaofavalor

 

alanaofavalor: our first friend group chat!! this is a milestone

 

theinsanelycool: march 3rd 2018, we made our first group chat *insert some contact photos and screenshots of the drama*

 

alanaofavalor: wow jared you should join yearbook!!!

 

theinsanelycool: [cant-tell-if-joking-or-serious.jpg]

 

alanaofavalor: i was joking lol, im not even in yearbook

 

gowiththezo: gasp, a club alana’s not in? Wowza

 

probablystoned: zoe never use the word wowza again

 

theinsanelycool: i feel very awkward carrying on a coversation with the kid on the bus next to me, and texting you at the same time

 

evanhansen: wait who stole my spot

 

theinsanelycool: that one guy you still have a grudge on from second grade

 

evanhansen: that bitch

 

alanaofavalor:w AIT WHAT EVAN CAN SWEAR

 

evanhansen: anybody can swear alana

 

alanaofavalor: YEAH BUT UR SO SMALL AND PRECIOUS

 

gowiththezo: smol**

 

probablystoned: zo can you pleaseeee go get me a donut

 

gowiththezo: homeroom starts in 15 minutes con i can’t make it

 

probablystoned: pleeeeeaase

 

evanhansen: he’s doing puppy eyes at the screen it hurts to watch please zo

 

gowiththezo: fine

 

alanaofavalor: wait if you leave i’ll be in the library alone

 

gowiththezo: come with me then

 

alanaofavalor: yay

 

theinsanelycool: gay*

 

evanhansen: connor if alana’s late her parents will kill her

 

probablystoned: she won’t be late i always make zoe get me last minute breakfasts

 

probablystoned: she usually has 25 minutes tho

 

probablystoned: but im sure she’ll be fine

 

theinsanelycool: my bus is about to pull in where are you??

 

evanhansen: you know that really big supply closet in building b??

 

theinsanelycool: it /actually/ sounds like you’re making out

 

alanaofavalor: can confirm

 

alanaofavalor: also je SUS CHRIST ZOE IS SPEEEEDING

 

probablystoned: well you have ten minutes to give me my donut and get back to homeroom

 

alanaofavalor: h OLY SHIT

 

alanaofavalor: okay zoe sent me into the store because i did track and can run faster

 

alanaofavalor: what kind of donut do you want

 

probablystoned: the rainbow sprinkled one

 

alanaofavalor: got it

 

theinsanelycool: of course connor would get the gay donut

 

probablystoned: i would retort but theres no point in denying it anymore

 

theinsanelycool: victory

 

alanaofavalor: GUYS I GOT CONNORS DONUT THEN I GOT IN TROUBLE FOR RUNNING AND THEN I ALMOST GOT HIT BY A CAR

 

probablystoned: five minutes left

 

alanaofavalor: fuckk

 

evanhansen: its okay alana if ur late say you barfed in the bathroom

 

alanaofavalor: have you used that excuse before??

 

evanhansen: yes and then they sent me home so it was a double win

 

gowiththezo: alana we might as well skip homeroom just started

 

theinsanelycool: wait let me skip with you

 

evanhansen: im still in a supply closet so i guess i’ll join

 

probablystoned: ditto

 

alanaofavalor: will we get in trouble???

 

gowiththezo: the attendance people will call ur parents but you can just fake being sick if they get mad at you

 

alanaofavalor: oh god okay

 

probablystoned: we all gonna meet at the mcdonald’s next to the pottery barn?

 

gowiththezoe: yep

 

probablystoned: ok. evan jared you guys can come with me since zoe took alana’s car and you guys take the bus

 

evanhansen: ok

 

theinsanelycool: mkay

 

theinsanelycool: HOLY SHIT I ALMOST GOT BUSTED

 

evanhansen: what happened?

 

theinsanelycool: so i was sneaking out the back doors and the spanish teacher found me

 

theinsanelycool: and at first i though he would get all mad, but he just made eye contact with me and was like, “just fucking leave for all i care”

 

probablystoned: why is that teacher my spirit animal?

 

probablystoned: also my car is in the parking lot next to the field so dont get caught again on ur way there.

 

theinsanelycool: i’ll try

 

probablystoned: you were to slow and evan already got shotgun

 

theinsanelycool: its cool nobody ever lets me sit shotgun anyway

 

probablystoned: thats kinda depressing

 

theinsanelycool: my life is depressing

 

probablystoned: sorry to interupt this bonding moment but this is vital information evan is screaming fireflies by owl city and it hurts

 

theinsanelycool: dont tell him he loves that song

 

evanhansen: you know i can see these texts too?

 

probablystoned: holy shit i didn’t even see you get ur phone out

 

evanhansen: yah nobody sees me at all tbh

 

theinsanelycool: ev thats really fucking depressing

 

evanhansen: i would make the so is my life joke but you already did that like 30 seconds ago

 

probablystoned: jared just hurry up so zo and alana aren’t alone that long

 

evanhansen: yeah we wouldn’t want to walk in on them making out

 

alanaofavalor: guys!!

 

probablystoned: dont lie you would love to get a piece of zoe murphy

 

alanaofavalor:/connor/

 

probablystoned: its not my fault murphy’s are irresistable

 

theinsanelycool: tru

 

probablystoned: jar can u stop being gay for like two seconds

 

alanaofavalor: og god zoe’s getting her phone out and she’s gonna see these messages

 

gowiththezo: the only thing i have to say is that yes, we murphy’s are irresistable

 

evanhansen: zoe yell at connor he changed the music

 

gowiththezo: what did he put it on?

 

evanhansen: it was on fireflies and he changed it to who lives who dies who tells your story

 

alanaofavalor: every other founding father’s story gets told

 

gowiththezo: every other founding father gets to grow old

 

theinsanelycool: but when gone who remebers your name who keeps your flame

 

probablystoned: who tells your stooooryyy

 

alanaofavalor: elizaaaaaa

 

gowiththezo: i put myself back in the narrative

 

alanaofavalor: elizaaaaa

 

gowiththezo: i stop wasting time on tears i live another fifty years it is not enough

 

alanaofavalor: elizaaaa

 

gowiththezo: i interview every soldier who fought by your side

 

theinsanelycool: she tells our story

 

gowiththezo: i try to make sense of your thousands of pages of writing you really do write like you rrunning out of

 

probablystoned: time

 

gowiththezo: i rely on

 

alanaofavalor: angelica

 

gowiththezo: when shes alive

 

alanaofavalor: we tell your story

 

gowiththezo: shes buried in trininty church near you

 

gowiththezo: when i needed her most she was right on

 

probablystoned: time

 

gowiththezo: and im still not through i ask myself what would you do is you had more

 

probablystoned: time

 

gowiththezo: the lord in his kindness he gives me what you always wanted he gives me more

 

probablystoned: time

 

gowiththezo: i raise funds in dc for the washington monument

 

theinsanelycool: she tells my story

 

gowiththezo: i speak out against slavery you could have done so much more if you only had

 

probablystoned: time

 

gowiththezo: and when my time is up have i done enough will they tell our story

 

evanhansen: no

 

alanaofavalor: you ruined it

 

evanhansen: i like hamilton but i like owl city more

 

theinsanelycool: laMe

 

evanhansen: says you who takes five minutes ot get to the fucking car

 

theinsanelycool: im being sneaky!!

 

evanhansen: *sure jan voice* sure jar

 

theinsanelycool: wow

 

probablystoned: if you aren’t here in fourtry five seconds im leaving

 

theinsanelycool: brb gotta go sprint

 

evanhansen: you won’t actually leave him tho right

 

probablystoned: 30 seconds

 

gowiththezo: one time he told me i had thirty seconds to leave the garage or he was closing the garage door and locking me in

 

gowiththezo: i was stuck in the garage for three hours

 

alanaofavalor: that sounds like connor

 

probablystoned: holy shit jared got here with ten seconds to spare

 

theinsanelycool: gotta go fast

 

evanhansen: no

 

evanhansen: you have been stopped

 

gowiththezo: guys hurry up me and lana arent ordering without you and we look really weird sitting in a mcdonalds with no food and not talking while staring at our screens intensely

 

alanaofavalor: there arent any ppl besides workers and theyre judging us so hard.

 

probablystoned: omw

 

evanhansen: hoLY FUCK AND I THOUGHT ZOE SPEEDS

 

gowiththezo: yah he’s gotten at least seven speeding tickets this month

 

gowiththezo: but its fine bc my parents are rich$$

 

alanaofavalor: wow zoe

 

gowiththezo: the money gets to my dads head more than me

 

evanhansen: how so? he seemed fine when we talked

 

gowiththezo: my dad is the living embodiment of the its one banana michael gif

 

theinsanelycool: [its-one-banana-michael.giphy]

 

alanaofavalor: ive never seen that before and i just snorted my water

 

gowiththezo: can confirm

 

evanhansen: were here

 

alanaofavalor: wow connor must speed a lot

 

probablystoned: i do

 

gowiththezo: jared i dare you to say hi welcome to chillis when you walk in

 

theinsanelycool: you got it

 

alanaofavalor: OH MY GOD JARED THAT WAS SO LOUD

 

evanshansen: I DIDNT THINK YOUD ACTUALLY DO IT

 

probablystoned: AWZDXTCGVHBJ

 

gowiththezo: i had faith in my young meme child

 

theinsanelycool: never call me that ever again

 

probablystoned: young meme nephew

 

alanaofavalor: me and zoe are basically an old married couple so young meme child

 

evanhansen: young meme husband

 

theinsanelycool: stOP

 

probablystoned: husband?

 

theinsanelycool: me and evan are more of a married couple than alana and zo

 

probablystoned: tru

 

gowiththezo: why’d you ask connor?????? is somebody jelous??????

 

alanaofavalor: ofc he’s jelous zo are you new he’s in love with jared and evan

 

probabllystoned: i aM NOT

 

gowiththezo: the caps lock says otherwise

 

theinsanelycool: its fine connor,, murphys arent the only irresistable ones

 

theinsanelycool: also we should probably put our phones away and actually talk

 

gowiththezo: nah

 

alanaofavalor: yeah texting is easier

 

theinsanelycool: evan remember the good old days when it was just me and you in this chat

 

evanhansen: that was this morning jar

 

theinsanelycool: yah well this morning people would actually LISTEN to me

 

gowiththezo: whatever we need to order anyway

 

theinsanelycool: i am the victor


	2. two

welcome to the jungle

 

evanhansen: guys my mom is watching over my shoulder so we gotta have a g rated chat for a bit

 

probablystoned: how the heck are we supposed to do that

 

evanhansen: u’re already doing it cuz ur using swear replacements

 

alanaofavalor: why is mom hansen being the angel over ur shoulder anyway?

 

evanhansen: she asked what i was doing and i said texting and she didn’t beieve me cuz she doesn’t think i have friends

 

gowiththezo: thats sad

 

evanhansen: yee

 

probablystoned: well HI MS.HANSEN

 

evanhansen: she says hi back

 

probablystoned: i feel honored

 

evanhansen: she says ‘u should’

 

probablystoned: wow drag me ms.h

 

gowiththezo: never say that again connor

probablystoned: wow zoe bossy much

 

alanaofavalor: says the guy who orders us to gte him a donut 15 minutes before class starts

 

probablystoned: speaking of that, how did ur parents react?

 

alanaofavalor: they believed i was sick but told me im not allowed to be sick for the rest of the chool year because i already wasted my sick day

 

evanhansen: my mom said she was proud of me for rebelling

 

gowiththezo: wait where the frick is jared?

 

evanhansen: idk i’ll message him privately

 

evanhansen to theinsanelycool

 

evanhansen: hey jared you okay?

 

evanhansen: youve been quiet

 

evanhansen: dude pls respond its fine if you dont wanna talk about but im getting rlly worried

 

theinsanelycool: im fine

 

theinsanelycool: sorry for worrying you

 

evanhansen: no dont be sorry its okay

 

evanhansen: whats wrong

 

theinsanelycool: nothing

 

evanhansen: jared you didn’t make some corny joke about all of us slowly crawling to death i know somethings wrong

 

theinsanelycool: i was to busy crying to type earlier

 

theinsanelycool: thats why i wasn’t talking

 

evanhansen: let me get to somewhere private and ill call you

 

theinsanelycool: no its fine you dont have to call

evanhansen: i need to make sure ur okay and i cant do that with my mom watching over my shsoulder

 

theinsanelycool: ev really its fine you rlly dont have to

 

evanhansen: too late

 

The phone rings twice before Jared picks up.

 

“Jared? Are you okay? Well, I mean I know you aren’t okay because you were crying but--”

 

Evan stops himself abruptly when he hears a strangled sob from the receiver.

 

“Jared?” He asks, biting the inside of his cheek.

 

“Ev?” Jared’s voice cracked and the sound of his throat tightening makes Evan’s heart break.

 

“Yeah. Yeah Jared, I’m here. Do you need me to pick you up?” He asks.

 

There’s a moment of silence. “I just nodded at the fucking phone. I’m such an idiot.” Jared’s sounds done. That’s the only way Evan can describe it.

 

“No, no. It’s fine, you aren’t an idiot. Where are you?” Evan asks, already doing a one over of the room searching for his keys.

 

“I’m in the Mc-fucking-Donald’s parking lot. Please don’t ask why.”

 

“Do you want me to stay on the line?” Evan started to walk down the stairs.

 

“No.”

 

“Okay. Jared, please stay where you are. I’ll be there in a second.”

 

“Bye, Evan.”

 

“Bye, Jared.” Evan hung up.

 

evanhansen to heidihansen

 

evanhansen: mom im gonna go pick jared up

 

heidihansen: Okay, sweetheart. Be careful, and take the car not the truck.

 

evanhansen: thanks mom bye

 

heidihansen: Tell Jared that he’s always welcome here if something happens at home.

 

evanhansen: okay thanks

 

heidihansen: Bye, Evan <3 (I’m not gonna be home for a few days, there’s money on the counter)

 

evanhansen to theinsanelycool

 

evanhansen: jar i’ll be there in five minutes okay?

 

theinsanelycool: five minuutes isn’t that long right?

 

evanhansen: passing period’s five minutes

 

theinsanelycool: thank fucking god passing period is the short part of the day

 

welcome to the jungle

 

alanaofavalor: is jared okay??????

 

evanhansen: a lot happened idk if i should be the one to tell you

 

theinsanelycool: please dont

 

gowiththezo: jared thank goodness are you going to survive

 

theinsanelycool: most likely

 

gowiththezo: good enough for me

 

evanhansen: you want me to give them the gist of it?

 

theinsanelycool: yes

 

evanhansen: so basically some shit happened and now i don’t think any of us should be on speaking terms with mr. kleinman

 

gowiththezo: yikes

 

gowiththezo: do you need a place to stay??????

 

alanaofavalor: do you need somebody to talk to???????

 

theinsanelycool: i do need a place to stay and i don’t need somebody to talk you

 

gowiththezo: i just asked my parents are cool with you staying here if you want

 

theinsanelycool: dont take this personally zo and con but ur house intimidates me

 

probablystoned: i take everything personally kleinman

 

probablystoned: but i’ll let this one slide

 

theinsanelycool: pls dont call me kleinman

 

probablystoned: ookay sorry

 

theinsanelycool: no its fine just dont call me that

 

probablystoned: got it

 

evanhansen: jar you can stay with me if you want

 

theinsanelycool: thanks

 

alanaofavalor: are you there now? if so can we come over

 

theinsanelycool: yah if evan says so

 

evanhansen: my mom isnt gonna be home for a few days so its fine

 

alanaofavalor: this probably isn’t the time for jokes but connor just rolled up in y driverway and rolled down the window and screamed “GET IN LOSERS WERE GOING SHOPPING” and my dad was watering the garden and he heard and i think we’re gonna have a talk about my friends later

 

 

theinsanelycool: lol

 

alanaofavalor: why tf do the murphys speed so much

 

gowiththezo: gotta go fast

 

alanaofavalor: no

 

theinsanelycool: welp zoe no more sonic jokes ur girlfriend says so

 

alanaofavalor: we’re not dating!!!!

 

gowiththezo: arent we tho

 

evanhansen: me @ jar and con

 

theinsanelycool: its hard being fake married to ur bestfriends

 

probablystoned: aww u consider me as ur bestfriend how sweet

 

theinsanelycool: shut up

 

probablystoned: make me

 

theinsanelycool: now im thinking about making out with you stop being so annoying

 

probablystoned: sorry sorry

 

evanhansen: you guys want pizza

 

theinsanelycool: no i want subway

 

evanhansen: but pizza :(

 

theinsanelycool: nevermind we can get pizza sorry

 

probablystoned: no jar we must take a stand up for what we rightfully deserve

 

probablystoned: what do we want?

 

theinsanelycool: subway

 

probablystoned: when do we want it

 

theinsanelycool: idk im not good with schedulling

 

probablystoned: we want it as soon as this red light fucking turns like jfc

 

evanhansen to probablystoned

 

evanhansen: just so ya know he loves you too

 

probablystoned: what

 

evanhansen: jar loves ya back

 

evanhansen: [he-looooooooooves-you.jpg]

 

probablystoned: thats a pic of him cuddling ur shoulder

 

evanhansen: no but look @ the smile on his face he did that smile right after you texted about subway

 

probablystoned: he probablyy just rlly fuckin lovs subway

 

evanhansen: ur impossible

 

evanhansen: but at least you didn’t deny loving him

 

probablystoned: wait no what i dont love him ur a psychopath

 

evanhansen: sure con

 

probablystoned: i dont love him but like,,,,,,, is he okay????

 

evanhansen: idk he’s kinda quiet except for talking on the chat, i think he’s tryna distract himself with humour

 

probablystoned: humour as a coping tool. my young grasshopper is advancing.

 

evanhansen: i just told him you called him you’re young grasshopper and now he’s smiling like a dork does this prove that he’s in love

 

probablystoned: no he just appreciates my humour

 

evanhansen: sighhhhhhhhhhh

 

welcome to the jungle

 

gowiththezo: you ev we’re in ur parking lot do you have the subway

 

evanhansen: no but its on its way

 

theinsanelycool: parking lot??????????

 

gowiththezo: what??

 

theinsanelycool: the word is driveway

 

probablystoned: yeah zoe wtf

 

gowiththezo: okay maybe i used one wrong word but everybody makes mistakes

 

alanaofavalor: everybody has those days

 

theinsanelycool: oh god pls no

 

evanhansen: for once i agree with jar

 

theinsanelycool: i can name several things we agree on

 

evanhansen: okay list them

 

theinsanelycool: pretzels are the best food in the world

 

theinsanelycool: jd is the best character in heathers

 

theinsanelycool: dan bottoms

 

theinsanelycool: tomatoes is gross

 

theinsanelycool: im awesome

 

theinsanelycool: bing sucks ass

 

theinsanelycool: ur mom is the best mom ever

 

theinsanelycool: sierra mist is just a sprite wannabe

 

theinsanelycool: connor’s hot

 

evanhansen: well you got me there

 

gowiththezo: omg connor was getting out of the car andhe hasn’t looked at his phone he’s gonna die

 

alanaofavalor: i’ll catch him when he passes out dont worry

 

theinsanelycool: no let him fall and get a concussion

 

alanaofavalor: way to show the lov jared

 

gowiththezo: hes getting his phone out i am readyyyyyyyy

 

probablystoned: kjinhubgyvfctdriu

 

evanhansen: we’ve killed him

 

evanhansen: well you killed him

 

theinsanelycool: we did a murder

 

evanhansen: and thats a crime

 

probablystoned: FUCK

 

theinsanelycool: no ur supposed to say corn nuts

 

probablystoned: CORN NUTS

 

evanhansen: oh my god i just killed my best friend

 

theinsanelycool: and ur worst enemy

 

evanhansen: same difference

 

gowiththezo: tag urself im evan and jar quoting heathers word for word

 

alanaofavalor: im connor laying on the ground bc he’s been killed by the gay

 

theinsanelycool: im the gay

 

evanhansen: im the bi

 

gowiththezo: ok brb me and lana r gonna drag connor inside

 

evanhansen: okay hurry up so the subway man wont see you and think you killed him

 

theinsanelycool: that would be unfortunate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sincerely three is gonna take a while, so hold your horses.

**Author's Note:**

> i hate hamilton but i feel like they’d like it so i googled the lyrics of the last song. you won’t be seeing hamilton again, but i garuntee you’ll see heathers


End file.
